Tyrese Has One More Movie to Finish, Then He's Focusing on Music

He's also promised to devour your first born son in a blood ritual and murder every liberal judge on the Supreme Court. (VH1)


Threats won't make me buy your album tough guy.

Is there a 27' plasma screen on Maaaars!

SBM, 30, looking for non-jealous space shiksa who likes beach days, cambodian food, and knows how to please a man THE RIGHT WAY (wink). Don't be a drama queen; DO be younger than 25. Southern girl a BIG plus. Must be left-handed. ;>

You just read the wave of the future my homies. Craig's list into outerspace. I guess people's shit for sale was getting too crowded for earth. Your ad on the lookout for a non-smoking, spanish speaking roomate who works nights can be sent out into hyperspace with one click of a redundant klystron transmitter.

What does this mean you ask? Nothing really, except for an onslaught of lonely single guys grasping at this easy chance to exhibit a sense of humor in the hopes it might get them a handjob in the downstairs bathroom at Lit one night. An example you say? Let me see...

But more to the point it gave the negro you love to blog a chance to reach out for that Millenium Falcon he's been pining away for, for years.



Used to belong to Lando Calrissian. No, not that Lando Calrissian!

You Say it's Your Birthday?

You share the same birthday as tennis great Ivan Lendl, talk show host Tammy Faye Bakker, acclamied naturalist Luther Burbank, composer of the Czech national anthem Frantisek L. Celakovsky, and soul singing actress Taylor Dayne. So for God's sake while it's your special day practice your forehand-to-backhand, wear an obscene amount of makeup, study the mating habits of the mongolian butterfly, write a new song which herald's both the birth and identity of a new country (you pick the country but I'd suggest Micronesia), and lip-sync the song "Think" in the mirror with a hairbrush slurring all the lines that end in vowels until you no longer have a career. Why? Because it's your birthday shortie!

The Fake Headlines

A huge fucking bat swooped down reaching for and attaining the scalp of career actress and activist Jane Fonda effectively putting to an end her much anticipated return to the media spotlight this year. The incident occured outside of the offices of the Conde Nast building on 42nd street early this morning.

"I was escorting Ms. Fonda outside the building and to her car which was a short distance from the entrance when this huge fucking bat came out of nowhere and just took her ass to heaven, I guess," explained Simone Frazer an editorial assistant at Self Magazine where Ms. Fonda had just finished attending a meeting.

The bat which initially was spotted hovering around the Plaza hotel at 5th avenue and Central Park South reportedly made a bee line directly down Broadway where upon it's been specualted it caught glimpse of Ms. Fonda, glided down toward her feet first and snatched the former pin up beauty by the short tresses of her hair up into infinity. The sighting of a bat this size has never been reported in any other part of the world which is made all the more alarming and confusing considering there are no other known species of bat on the entire eastern seaboard of the United States.

Rolando Freeman, a Bronx native and professional tatoo artist was standing on the opposite side of the street when the incident occured. "I saw the whole thing. I saw the lady first off and was like 'that's that bitch from "Stanley and Iris."' Next thing I know a huge ass bat comes from out of nowhere and takes her by the damn head. That bat was sick capital "S", I ain't even gonna lie. I did up a sketch real quick. You'll see that fucking thing on my left bicep in about a week. Be clear."

Ms. Fonda, former wife of media mogul Ted Turner has starred in several Hollywood movies including "Klute", "Barbarella", and the upcoming Jennifer Lopez vehicle "Monster-in-Law." Her name was even injected into last year's presidential campaign when opponents of Sen. John Kerry doctored a photograph placing her alongside Mr. Kerry at a 1970's antiwar rally she hadn't even attended.


Rendering by Mr. Freeman of the large bat.

That, along with her newly penned autobiography to be published by Random House later in the month, her famous exercise tapes of the 1980's and her recent acting comeback were also breathtakingly, tragically whisked away this morning by the actions of some fucking bat that came from God knows where to do damage hard.


Ms. Fonda in better times

Clinton's bed for Bush

You had me at "middle-class tax relief."

Get your mind out the gutter!

This is adorable, really. Bush takes the Serta mattress while Clinton drapes a queen sized comforter over the bed that is his autobiography for a sound nights sleep. No word on how the previous night unfolded but my money's on a creamy mushroom sauce over warm angel hair, a mid-priced cabarnet, something from the Carey Grant collection like Arsenic and Old Lace, then quite folk guitar originals from Bill's truly as George sit's quietly in the corner pretending not to be suddenly and utterly in fucking love. Am I reading too much into this? Maybe this whole red state/blue state unity act's got some legs. Wake up and smell the bipartisanship team America. Tom Delay and Obama just went in on a time share together. Chuck Hegel is pulling back Ted Kennedy's hair after a few too many Alabama slammers. To think it only took the world's worst natural disaster in two centuries to get the polticians back on the same team for the following few months immediately after the busiest calendar period of an election cycle. To think.

OTHER ME'S

In my first installment of Other Me's we pay a visit to the Michael Neal who kicks more ass than me and that's not just metaphorically speaking. Here's what's important to know: He's a 10th Degree Black Belt. He has done community events in schools, and seminars and demonstrations in college's. He's an ordained minister. His wife's name is Donna and he has 7 children. Boing! Seven! Poor Donna. She clearly has no defense manuever to combat her husbands lethal Saturday morning wood-grip. Michael is also THE Representative for the W.C.M.A.A. (World Christian Martial Arts Association in case that acronym sounds vague and unfamiliar). In other words "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" will never be confused for a sexually explicit double entendre in this Neal household. Seriously though this guy's a walking Professional wrestling gimmick. Vince McMahon probably spent half his adult life trying to cultivate an image for Triple HHH and it's not even half as good as "Minister of Defense" Michael Neal. After his finishing move a quick gesture to the Lord and on cue the crowd shouts back "Let Us Pray." If you're a fan of HBO's Carnivale you've got an idea where this is going once his character turns heel.

Television analysis

Jessica reaching for her muse or at least her hair stylist while on the set of Dukes of Hazzard: the (gasp) movie.

Last Friday I got an email from my friend Martin Cassidy. He's a mean hombre. I've seen him strech ten's into twenty's with just a pocket knife and some real attitude. Anyway here is his synopsis of last Thursday nights Dukes of Hazzard rerun:


Last night on Dukes of Hazzard Boss Hogg convinced Uncle Jesse to make some
illegal moonshine to enter into a government contest to develop a fuel which
could run a combustion engine.
Anyway Bo and Luke and Hogg start going off on the Arabs controlling the
country with oil, and that convinces Jesse it would be patriotic to make the
moonshine, even though it violates Bo and Luke's probation. Boss Hogg
secretly plans to screw over Uncle Jesse.
It was interesting because Hogg mentioned moonshine runs that he and Jesse
made together when they were young. I never appreciated that they were once
tight as two tick hounds on the fourth of July.
Anyway double damn, Bo and Luke are on probation and they were caught making
the moonshine by a pretty revenue agent.
They take her drinking, and at the end the narrator implied that Bo was
going to bang her if he hadn't already.
Anyway Boss Hogg doesn't keep his deal and sends Roscoe to steal the
moonshine and so Boss Hogg can take the credit, but Bo and Luke filled jugs
up with water that Roscoe steals when he arrests them. Meanwhile the actual
moonshine is in Uncle Jesse's gas tank running his car!!!
At the end Boss Hogg is humiliated when he pours the water into the engine,
and the government agent judging the contest sees the amazing fuel
possibilities of Uncle Jesse's moonshine, but irks Uncle Jesse when he said
it needs to be studied in Washington for feasibility.
Roscoe and the federal agent (who is hot) chase Uncle Jesse's car until it
runs out of moonshine, and then the Dukes have these big shit eating grins
because they burned up the evidence!.I love it, I love it. The agent faints
when she sniffs Uncle Jesse's gas tank, and Bo picks her up, sure to drop
his hammer later that night.

Fun with words

Facile:

Main Entry: fac·ile
Pronunciation: 'fa-s&l
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle French, from Latin facilis, from facere to do -- more at DO
1 a (1) : easily accomplished or attained (2) : SPECIOUS, SUPERFICIAL b : used or comprehended with ease c : readily manifested and often lacking sincerity or depth


Example A.


Example B.



Not facile:





Fassel:

The Gates: last day