The Fake Headlines

A huge fucking bat swooped down reaching for and attaining the scalp of career actress and activist Jane Fonda effectively putting to an end her much anticipated return to the media spotlight this year. The incident occured outside of the offices of the Conde Nast building on 42nd street early this morning.

"I was escorting Ms. Fonda outside the building and to her car which was a short distance from the entrance when this huge fucking bat came out of nowhere and just took her ass to heaven, I guess," explained Simone Frazer an editorial assistant at Self Magazine where Ms. Fonda had just finished attending a meeting.

The bat which initially was spotted hovering around the Plaza hotel at 5th avenue and Central Park South reportedly made a bee line directly down Broadway where upon it's been specualted it caught glimpse of Ms. Fonda, glided down toward her feet first and snatched the former pin up beauty by the short tresses of her hair up into infinity. The sighting of a bat this size has never been reported in any other part of the world which is made all the more alarming and confusing considering there are no other known species of bat on the entire eastern seaboard of the United States.

Rolando Freeman, a Bronx native and professional tatoo artist was standing on the opposite side of the street when the incident occured. "I saw the whole thing. I saw the lady first off and was like 'that's that bitch from "Stanley and Iris."' Next thing I know a huge ass bat comes from out of nowhere and takes her by the damn head. That bat was sick capital "S", I ain't even gonna lie. I did up a sketch real quick. You'll see that fucking thing on my left bicep in about a week. Be clear."

Ms. Fonda, former wife of media mogul Ted Turner has starred in several Hollywood movies including "Klute", "Barbarella", and the upcoming Jennifer Lopez vehicle "Monster-in-Law." Her name was even injected into last year's presidential campaign when opponents of Sen. John Kerry doctored a photograph placing her alongside Mr. Kerry at a 1970's antiwar rally she hadn't even attended.


Rendering by Mr. Freeman of the large bat.

That, along with her newly penned autobiography to be published by Random House later in the month, her famous exercise tapes of the 1980's and her recent acting comeback were also breathtakingly, tragically whisked away this morning by the actions of some fucking bat that came from God knows where to do damage hard.


Ms. Fonda in better times