Faster Child

TWOP'd

2007-11-30T17:00:00.000-05:00

Sooo, what have you been up to?

I Won't Look At You, Even If You Are A Bear

2006-07-21T23:39:00.000-04:00

As a rule I don't look people in the eye when I talk to them. I realize sometimes people have a problem with it. It doesn't go over so well on dates, for example, or during my extensive one-on-one counseling at post-partum depression centers. Actually come to think of it no one has ever not had a problem with the fact that I hate looking at them squarely in the eye. They think I'm being shifty, dishonest, unsocial, or a dick; these people are racists.
So for most of my tortured life my personal crusade of not fucking looking at you has been like most worthwhile crusades a tremendous burden. And while other mild expressions of social phobia, say not shaking hands with people for instance, have been given carte blanch thanks to Donald Trump, eccentric Hollywood producers, and the Japanese my own personal Jesus of "I don't really like looking at you. Any of you," has remained in my personal life an explanation waiting its demand.
That is until I nearly got jumped by a bear.
Amid taking a hike through Rogue River National Forest (that's southern Oregon for you geological sediment enthusiasts) I stopped and unwrapped my fourth honey and ham sandwich of the day. As with the others I chucked the wrapper and the crust (bleh!) as well as part of the meat over my shoulder. Turned out I wasn't very hungry since about the second sandwich in but I let the natural capacity of my stomach tell me those sorts of things rather than the mind which as we all know can not be trusted, particularly when judging appetite. As I continued to walk quietly over the previously undisturbed pine needles of mother earth with only the shrill hark of the whistle I was keeping firmly planted near my left cheek breaking the silence all around me I began to hear a rumble of bushes just beyond the small layer of growth in front of me. It was the bear. Of course I couldn't have guessed at it with an iPod playing track 3, "Song 2", Best of Blur but I would soon find out.
This bear - I don't know bears, let's say it was a Kodiak - this magnificent, brutal creature whose slippery wet nose was scrunching and whiffing in a straight ahead manner must have picked up the scent of part of the ham still coyly resting on the tip of my bedroom slippers because one of its great paws took a cautious swipe at the air and a guttural moan came from the core of this gigantic specimen wholly outdoing anything coming out of Damon Albarn's twisted mouth. Gorillaz? Try Bears! The great beast had an intense funk and its fur was slightly wet but shimmered slightly from the peaking in of sunlight...actually you know what? Let's call this thing a Polar Bear. Again, bears- I don't know 'em. Polar Bears seem more dramatic though and this is after all a story even though IT HAPPENED! Plus that Pepsi commercial just came on the TV for some reason (that's like from 3 Super Bowls ago. Could've been Coke actually). Wrapping up.
The Giant talking Polar Bear descended his paw and sat rather luxuriously in front of me blocking my path forward. I'd actually more closely characterize its sluggish descent to the ground as oddly seductive. I know the only animals who have sex for pleasure are humans, dolphins, and monkeys but maybe put bears on that list judging from the way it flashed me it's package all of a hoot, polar bears anyway. The big bear stared at me for what felt like three hours but The Universal was the last song I remembered playing so it couldn't have been quite so long. But for however long this went on for I never looked it in the eye. Consequently, it didn't attack me.
Actually that's not true. It beat the hell out of me after about hour two. For no reason at all. It just really fucked me up for about ten minutes. I don't know how I survived but I did. Thank you Reese for typing this. Reese works at the post-partum center with me and is a really caring Vietnamese fellow. He likes it in the States even after the war and everything and I know that was a long time ago but still. Agent Orange my family and I'm not doing memos for some yellow in a Bangko....
Reese kinda took of. Surry. Had to get straw and some tapee ta finis dis. Kep short. Fuck Beers. Luk in eye, don't luk in eye...don't fuking matter. Sweet Jesus. Hurt all ova

Things to have nothing to say back to...

2006-02-21T20:51:00.000-05:00

That's gonna take a lug nut.

I see you

2006-02-04T16:08:00.000-05:00

and I know you're looking.

Music blogs, YOU keep my world spinning

2005-11-27T00:59:00.000-05:00

I'll be under the covers for the next few weeks with just my socks and any newly discovered music (read: mP3) blog I can get my fingertips on. My ipod is gonna melt:

www.Aquariumdrunkard.blogspot.com
- Best of the best

Professional wrestlers, you keep my world spinning

2005-09-25T17:26:00.000-04:00

Booker T. Washington, the other one

Gary Busey Advice to Three Year Olds

2005-08-14T15:24:00.000-04:00

Busey Abuse

Never express guilt. At some point in your life, maybe even not too long from now, some- well let's just call them "weak people" are gonna go 'round and 'round with you giving you the business about how you don't treat human beings like animals or maybe that you're not supposed to leave someone locked out of the hotel room and penniless in foreign countries. This is called a guilt trip. It's something women learn from their mother's which is why I call guilt "pussy science."

Don't be afraid to get biblical. Imagine yourself at one of your cities finest restaurants. The girl you're with has to this point in the relationship only submitted to handjobs and phone sex but you're betting two plates of Organic Scottish Salmon and an endive salad that that's all about to change.

"Excuse me sir. I don't see you on our list," comes out of the mouth of the half-gay maitre'd. You explain to him you're role in Predator 2. Nothing. Go biblical.

Tom Sizemore is a dick. Capital D.

Hollywood is dirty with snakes. If they ask you to do a guest appearance on Entourage and you agree to it but then you don't get invited to the wrap party because Mark Wahlberg has a new agent who fears the power of the ministry of the Promise Keepers- who fears the new Christian male that now bathes in righteousness and glory, so much so that this new agent to the show's executive producer believes the lies of his conniving skank girlfriend who has taken it upon herself to accuse you of vomiting down her back some years ago at a similar wrap party for Walker, Texas Ranger through no fault of your own since Chuck Norris's outfit wouldn't splurge for the top shelf shit and you got stuck 8-balling Gordon's vodka with a grip from King of Queens trying to ignore the prostalatizing half-Arab brother-in-law he kept company with all the while...while- okay...okay, I forget where I was going with this one.

A Poem about waiting in line for the Basquiat exhibit on the second to last day and then seeing the movie with David Bowie in it two weeks later

2005-07-11T05:51:00.000-04:00

The above makes this self-explanatory but awhile ago I saw the Basquiat exhibit at Brooklyn Museum with vampire from hell, otherwise known as rock you amadeus, otherwise known as Marty and I spent the better part of my breakfast writing this in iambic pentameter (not at all) so eat it up because it deserves that much:

Are there not Negroes who write grafitti
Of whom Madonna did not go down on?

For surely if there bees that poet
Half of Brooklyn will not know it.

Look at the blouse on that quiet girl mouse
When in repose she dreamt Hollywood Negroes

King on the top of my head not sufficient
That guard in the lobby could be more proficient

genius. roach. wish i had dreads.

Luther Vandross

2005-07-04T04:48:00.000-04:00

A Vocal genius.

Luther passed away this weekend and actually it made me sad. I used to tease the image of the now late-great 80's crooner but truth be told he was for me what Lennon was for children of hippies and before you go knocking that comparison let me just remind you he dueted with Frank Sinatra and early on in his career sang backup for Bowie, spiceing up his song "Young Americans" with the ad lib "I heard the news today, oh boy."

My favorite music critic Kelefa Sanneh delivers a precise epitaph.

And for the novices out there I'd recommend the following songs in descending order:
1 - A House is Not a Home
2 - Never Too Much
3 - Superstar
4 - Having a Party
5 - Here and Now
6 - Since I Lost My Baby
etc...

So I DARE you to not dance suggestively to "Never Too Much" or to not get married in the South to "Here and Now." A chair is still a chair; A chair is not a house; A house is not a home; but a home is definetly not an Omarion ballad.

Where art thou good R&B?

Rest in peace Luther. Thank you.

Random Thoughts Time

2005-07-04T04:40:00.000-04:00

Another thing I hate worse than racism: Reverse, reverse racism.

It's freaking hot, no?

BREAKING NEWS: Actor/Comedian Sinbad Misses Ninth Straight Tae-bo Workout

2005-06-14T12:44:00.000-04:00

Acclaimed actor/comedian Sinbad was again missing today from his weekly Taebo exercise class at the Los Angeles fitness center on Santa Monica Boulevard making this the ninth straight absence to date for the star of such films as “Jingle All the Way,” “Goodburger,” and “The Cherokee Kid” and resigning many to the possibility that he will never show for another workout class again.

The Taebo instructor and his class have long since stopped delaying their warm up stretches for the arrival of the popular comedian and star of “The Cherokee Kid” and are unsure if he will show up for any more sessions during the Spring quarter.

“Well he is signed up for the rest of the month and he’s already paid dues in full. He might show up. I don’t know,” commented twenty-six year old class instructor Mark Hamish.

A press release from Sinbad’s publicist would only specify that the comedian was in Cyprus hosting the Miss Universe pageant and would be taking a short vacation before beginning work on his sixth annual Soul Music Festival in the island of the Bahamas. We caught up with Sinbad’s publicist for more explanation.

Sinbad’s publicist Mark Gardeky: “He’s been stuck with a full plate over the last several months and just hasn’t had the time to attend any Taebo workouts. There have been many occasions when he has had the misfortune of leaving for the gym while forgetting a bar of soap or change in underwear and Mr. Sinbad understandably prefers not to participate in a gym workout if his hygiene and shower needs are not met. He has very high standards in that regard. Still other times he’s had too light a lunch which can get in the way of a proper workout.” Other reasons cited by Mr. Gardeky for the comedic impresario’s many absences included him “getting the days mixed up” and “feeling sluggish.”

Sinbad captured the nation’s attention several years ago with his portrayal in an infomercial as a successful celebrity endorser deeply committed to the Billy Blanks aerobic workout:

“…if Taebo is for me, then it’s for everybody,” being one of his lines from the very popular 1998-advertisement campaign where he also popularized the man’s dangling feather earring.

Brenda Maloney a housewife from Anaheim and Taebo loyalist was not at all surprised by the news of Sinbad’s latest stunt and even viewed the recent events as an expected turn.

“Sinbad so crazy! I mean that boy is crazy! He stupid!”

Others like forty-two year old receptionist Ruth Watkins are distressed by the star of “Cherokee Kids” continued absence and wish Sinbad would give an explanation as to why he has not been doing the workout routine and has gained a reported eleven pounds since the filming of the infomercial.

“He ain’t doing it? I spent $70 bucks on four tapes when I saw that Sinbad trusted the product. Why ain’t he doing it? I thought he did it!”

Indeed the point articulated by Ms. Watkins has been picked up on by an increasing number of loyal fans. Many have speculated in recent weeks that the famous comedian known for his false bravado and broad colored pants had been neglecting his workout routine in favor of an all shake diet and frequent visits to an astrologist.

Brian Willis one-time childhood friend and former manager to the former host of VIBE and star of “The Cherokee Kid” acknowledged to an E! News correspondent today that Sinbad never enjoyed the workout as much as he let on in the Taebo ads. “I think it was fun at first and they paid him decent money to appear in the commercial but we all pretty much knew his heart was never really into it.”

Other celebrity endorsers like Carmen Electra, Mackenzie Phillips, and Shaquille O’Neal have opted for different or more progressive exercises to stay fit but, by all accounts, Sinbad has not adopted or endorsed any other workout routine. Taebo founder Billy Blanks has been unreachable for comment but close sources reveal an indifferent reaction from the workout king about the absence of his reported good friend. “I mean, it’s Sinbad,” stated one unidentified source from the Taebo organization.

The Dan Akroyd of Black people

Ryan Cabrera Finds Soul, Loses Soul, Realizes His Definition of Soul Merely Extends to Color Me Badd catalog, Apologizes

2005-05-31T19:09:00.000-04:00

About time a little more soul-driven purposeful music will be headlining the Nickelodeon Awards this year. (VH1)

Pop star assembly line. Some assembly required. Shit-eating grin not included.

France Votes No On European Constitution and Movie on TV review

2005-05-31T01:25:00.000-04:00

I guess Western Europe is trying to stabilize a unifying mechanism that will solidify, nay enhance, their global reach...blech!

In other news, I watched the end of Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles this afternoon! Paul Hogan's lazy charm is the only reason why I fell asleep during the first hour 15 of this monstrosity of goodness. The way he so breezily floats through his lines, his action fighting sequences...his lines, well some more cynical than I might attribute it to a lazy B-movie star using his small spit-shine of past glory to stuff a phat check in his rear pocket for only a month's worth of inane, imaginatively complacent glorified read-throughs but not this kiddo mate. I see a fine fine actor making a statement through his work that for all the mad dog Mel Gibson's, the risible Russell Crowe's, there was an Australian 'OG' in the Hollywood hood and his catch line was "that's not a penis...this is a penis!" Or something like that.

Quick aside: a friend informed me Paul Hogan left his wife and three kids upon meeting the actress Linda Kozlowski on the set of the first Crocodile Dundee. So take that Brad Pitt! You and Jen didn't even have a baby yet when you split. You call that love! I know, I know...A dingo ate their baby. Hah! Not that funny.

Anyway back to the actual movie. First off in such a movie the villain is always key and I tip my hat to the choice here: Jere freaking Burns! If you don't know who that is then I guess you weren't a big fan of Judd Hirsch's post-Taxi career. Mr. Burns plays the role of Arnan Rothman who, besides clearly being the name of some extinct former Hollywood producer that pissed off one of the screenwriters, is an illegal art exporter/movie producer (wink). Well he has his grubby mits on some rare priceless art thought to have been destroyed in the Serbian war and he's shipped them to Los Angeles as movie props for a new film where in one of the scenes the art is set on fire. Except the art set on fire will actually be fakes of the priceless art he has secretly shipped to the US. I'm tired.

Anyway things ensue and it's not even important. I just want to get to the best part. The part that demands you sit through the whole rest of this mess and it happens right before the credits roll. Dundee gets married in the end to the chick he was banging behind his wives back during the filming of the first movie and she throws her bouquet up in the air. It lands in some river and an enormous croc-of-shit- excuse me- enormous crocodile launches out of the water and grabs it. Cut to: Dundee and his brother(?) nodding at each other and slowly taking off their tuxedo jackets...FREEZE FRAME. Cue the Men at Work song "Land Down Under." Roll credits. And that's a wrap. Snazzy indeed. There are some things too complete to be parodied. This is just an example. Did I mention Mike Tyson makes a cameo?

Look at the size of that...cellphone! C'mon Hogan man this ain't 1989 baby. Hows about a little realism in your press material?

Random Thoughts Time

2005-05-19T20:07:00.000-04:00

There are only a few things that I hate worse than racism and one of them is doing the dishes.

Whitey three o'clock

*Random Thoughts Time is sponsored by Palmolive: for fresher, brighter returns.

I got a BIG brain bitch

2005-05-18T23:22:00.000-04:00

The other night fucking talking with dudes I know about Guns, Germs, and Steel. Ever read it? I didn't really think so.

Anyway.

Jeri Diamond (the author) was on some old 'some word i forget' confirmation mess said this one crazy dude who's crib we bitch other people out at. Said damn Diamond don't do da damn thing and is using the already determined course of history to try and justify bitch ass Western Europe who be all on a colonial tip up until the mid-20th century.

Mad generic or came correct?

But yo, should a scene this biddy my holmes was trying ta freak who was over at the bat lair. Banging son. Like GZA/RZA cd's. That serious. I would not lie. I WOULD NOT LIE!

Wu-Tang 4life!

Anyway.

My other boy, who had been flipping the fine dime every which way but loose (remember that one? clint eastwood hard as hell and that monkey? a fool yo) he was talking bout Africa gotsta get dem selves in check and shit. They done let euro trash come over there all flagrant like, nuns bo-guarding through the sahara and giving brothers bad land rights deals. Then they got to be on some old Mugabe mess just to correct the piece. But the one crazy dude paused that mess quick and was quick like to be africans tooks the shiz-nit from the euro trash that they wanted cause they wanted it and how Western Europe explored and colon-iz-ized just because they went through they natural resources on the quickeness and required otha lands to replenish they's advancing needs. Word like how they'd start chewing on veal like it was the trump tight shit but to get the veal you gotta kill the animal young so there is wasted meat and shit. I know I want that damn new PS2 they rocking right now. My motherfuckin' motherfucka who live in eurodisney and shit talking bout there a bad ass version out there right now. I'm like cuz, just like them africans. All over that. give me dat cause i want it and while you at it hows about one of dem phat amsterdam blunts and that Page Six bitch from the WWE show I watched last week when they was in London.

Sipping on some apple juice and shit I bet yo

Monkey love

Anyway.

They was on some old let's argue all night long but i you can read dudes book and maybe ya'll can get wit the knowledge we was spittin the other night. Jeri "Diamonds is forever" gots mo' other books if you ain't already decided on his ass from me already yo.

{Cheap Ali G imitation yo.}

WHAT THE FUCK?

2005-04-15T01:21:00.000-04:00

In this week's edition of WHAT THE FUCK? we take a look at...wait a second...hold on just a...WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

http://www.carllewis.com/video.music.1.html

Pope dead and movie on TV review

2005-04-10T23:31:00.000-04:00

Yeah I know the Pope is dead but what about John Travolta's acting career? That's dead too...Again! Don't Be Cool. Be very worried. I just saw his movie Phenomenon on HBO today. Very undervalued piece of celluloid with, I thought, some subtle touches of surrealism. Fellini's Roma specifically comes to mind in a few of the scenes like when Kyra Sedgwick tucks in her daughter or when Kyra Sedgwick tucks in John Travolta at the end because he has a brain tumor the size of his shrine to scientology from being so fucking brilliant. Robert Duvall plays a small town doctor who forms a bond with the genius Travolta and stammers a lot especially when he has important news to deliver. Forrest Whitaker is also in the movie. No, he doesn't rape any white women. You're funny. And Travolta? I like it when he chuckles under his breath then looks away disarmingly with a smile. I think that's what his character would really do. All of them. I was also surprised by all the beastiality which in context makes sense but still.

Travolta is a bad dude and a pilot.

OTHER ME'S

2005-04-10T23:03:00.000-04:00

In just my second edition of 'Other Me's' I turn my attention to some prick named- get this- Michael Neal. You heard me right. That's his name. And he spells it with an 'a' instead of an 'i'. Excuse me, soup just flew out of my nostrils.

Okay, I'm stretching. I would like to lampoon this guy, in fact that's the whole premise of OTHER ME's. But truth be told this Michael Neal has carved out a pretty nice little niche for himself. Midday talk show gig. Possibly the only Connecticut school of broadcasting graduate who managed to parlay it into a career. And a singer/songwriter wife who's top 40 in Europe and probably writes admiring love songs about him while they're high off their ass on grass and mid-priced red wines each first Saturday of every month. She got legs too.

Michael enjoys movies, music, travel, reading, and cooking. Wait a fuck's sake! So do I. See what I mean? I'll have to dig deeper in my drawer of sarcasm for this one. Take a look at the guys hair then. Maybe he used to work for WKRP. And top button, buttoned! I know.

Les Nessman

For some reason when you google image Les Nessman you get a picture of Tyra Banks in just a bra. I can't wait to see what comes up for Schneider.

Tyrese Has One More Movie to Finish, Then He's Focusing on Music

2005-03-10T17:04:00.000-05:00

He's also promised to devour your first born son in a blood ritual and murder every liberal judge on the Supreme Court. (VH1)

Threats won't make me buy your album tough guy.

Is there a 27' plasma screen on Maaaars!

2005-03-08T20:11:00.000-05:00

SBM, 30, looking for non-jealous space shiksa who likes beach days, cambodian food, and knows how to please a man THE RIGHT WAY (wink). Don't be a drama queen; DO be younger than 25. Southern girl a BIG plus. Must be left-handed. ;>

You just read the wave of the future my homies. Craig's list into outerspace. I guess people's shit for sale was getting too crowded for earth. Your ad on the lookout for a non-smoking, spanish speaking roomate who works nights can be sent out into hyperspace with one click of a redundant klystron transmitter.

What does this mean you ask? Nothing really, except for an onslaught of lonely single guys grasping at this easy chance to exhibit a sense of humor in the hopes it might get them a handjob in the downstairs bathroom at Lit one night. An example you say? Let me see...

But more to the point it gave the negro you love to blog a chance to reach out for that Millenium Falcon he's been pining away for, for years.

Used to belong to Lando Calrissian. No, not that Lando Calrissian!

You Say it's Your Birthday?

2005-03-08T18:17:00.000-05:00

You share the same birthday as tennis great Ivan Lendl, talk show host Tammy Faye Bakker, acclamied naturalist Luther Burbank, composer of the Czech national anthem Frantisek L. Celakovsky, and soul singing actress Taylor Dayne. So for God's sake while it's your special day practice your forehand-to-backhand, wear an obscene amount of makeup, study the mating habits of the mongolian butterfly, write a new song which herald's both the birth and identity of a new country (you pick the country but I'd suggest Micronesia), and lip-sync the song "Think" in the mirror with a hairbrush slurring all the lines that end in vowels until you no longer have a career. Why? Because it's your birthday shortie!

The Fake Headlines

2005-03-08T17:27:00.000-05:00

A huge fucking bat swooped down reaching for and attaining the scalp of career actress and activist Jane Fonda effectively putting to an end her much anticipated return to the media spotlight this year. The incident occured outside of the offices of the Conde Nast building on 42nd street early this morning.

"I was escorting Ms. Fonda outside the building and to her car which was a short distance from the entrance when this huge fucking bat came out of nowhere and just took her ass to heaven, I guess," explained Simone Frazer an editorial assistant at Self Magazine where Ms. Fonda had just finished attending a meeting.

The bat which initially was spotted hovering around the Plaza hotel at 5th avenue and Central Park South reportedly made a bee line directly down Broadway where upon it's been specualted it caught glimpse of Ms. Fonda, glided down toward her feet first and snatched the former pin up beauty by the short tresses of her hair up into infinity. The sighting of a bat this size has never been reported in any other part of the world which is made all the more alarming and confusing considering there are no other known species of bat on the entire eastern seaboard of the United States.

Rolando Freeman, a Bronx native and professional tatoo artist was standing on the opposite side of the street when the incident occured. "I saw the whole thing. I saw the lady first off and was like 'that's that bitch from "Stanley and Iris."' Next thing I know a huge ass bat comes from out of nowhere and takes her by the damn head. That bat was sick capital "S", I ain't even gonna lie. I did up a sketch real quick. You'll see that fucking thing on my left bicep in about a week. Be clear."

Ms. Fonda, former wife of media mogul Ted Turner has starred in several Hollywood movies including "Klute", "Barbarella", and the upcoming Jennifer Lopez vehicle "Monster-in-Law." Her name was even injected into last year's presidential campaign when opponents of Sen. John Kerry doctored a photograph placing her alongside Mr. Kerry at a 1970's antiwar rally she hadn't even attended.

Rendering by Mr. Freeman of the large bat.

That, along with her newly penned autobiography to be published by Random House later in the month, her famous exercise tapes of the 1980's and her recent acting comeback were also breathtakingly, tragically whisked away this morning by the actions of some fucking bat that came from God knows where to do damage hard.

Ms. Fonda in better times

Clinton's bed for Bush

2005-03-07T05:35:00.000-05:00

You had me at "middle-class tax relief."

Get your mind out the gutter!

This is adorable, really. Bush takes the Serta mattress while Clinton drapes a queen sized comforter over the bed that is his autobiography for a sound nights sleep. No word on how the previous night unfolded but my money's on a creamy mushroom sauce over warm angel hair, a mid-priced cabarnet, something from the Carey Grant collection like Arsenic and Old Lace, then quite folk guitar originals from Bill's truly as George sit's quietly in the corner pretending not to be suddenly and utterly in fucking love. Am I reading too much into this? Maybe this whole red state/blue state unity act's got some legs. Wake up and smell the bipartisanship team America. Tom Delay and Obama just went in on a time share together. Chuck Hegel is pulling back Ted Kennedy's hair after a few too many Alabama slammers. To think it only took the world's worst natural disaster in two centuries to get the polticians back on the same team for the following few months immediately after the busiest calendar period of an election cycle. To think.

OTHER ME'S

2005-03-07T03:48:00.000-05:00

In my first installment of Other Me's we pay a visit to the Michael Neal who kicks more ass than me and that's not just metaphorically speaking. Here's what's important to know: He's a 10th Degree Black Belt. He has done community events in schools, and seminars and demonstrations in college's. He's an ordained minister. His wife's name is Donna and he has 7 children. Boing! Seven! Poor Donna. She clearly has no defense manuever to combat her husbands lethal Saturday morning wood-grip. Michael is also THE Representative for the W.C.M.A.A. (World Christian Martial Arts Association in case that acronym sounds vague and unfamiliar). In other words "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" will never be confused for a sexually explicit double entendre in this Neal household. Seriously though this guy's a walking Professional wrestling gimmick. Vince McMahon probably spent half his adult life trying to cultivate an image for Triple HHH and it's not even half as good as "Minister of Defense" Michael Neal. After his finishing move a quick gesture to the Lord and on cue the crowd shouts back "Let Us Pray." If you're a fan of HBO's Carnivale you've got an idea where this is going once his character turns heel.

Television analysis

2005-03-06T23:54:00.000-05:00

Jessica reaching for her muse or at least her hair stylist while on the set of Dukes of Hazzard: the (gasp) movie.

Last Friday I got an email from my friend Martin Cassidy. He's a mean hombre. I've seen him strech ten's into twenty's with just a pocket knife and some real attitude. Anyway here is his synopsis of last Thursday nights Dukes of Hazzard rerun:

Last night on Dukes of Hazzard Boss Hogg convinced Uncle Jesse to make some
illegal moonshine to enter into a government contest to develop a fuel which
could run a combustion engine.
Anyway Bo and Luke and Hogg start going off on the Arabs controlling the
country with oil, and that convinces Jesse it would be patriotic to make the
moonshine, even though it violates Bo and Luke's probation. Boss Hogg
secretly plans to screw over Uncle Jesse.
It was interesting because Hogg mentioned moonshine runs that he and Jesse
made together when they were young. I never appreciated that they were once
tight as two tick hounds on the fourth of July.
Anyway double damn, Bo and Luke are on probation and they were caught making
the moonshine by a pretty revenue agent.
They take her drinking, and at the end the narrator implied that Bo was
going to bang her if he hadn't already.
Anyway Boss Hogg doesn't keep his deal and sends Roscoe to steal the
moonshine and so Boss Hogg can take the credit, but Bo and Luke filled jugs
up with water that Roscoe steals when he arrests them. Meanwhile the actual
moonshine is in Uncle Jesse's gas tank running his car!!!
At the end Boss Hogg is humiliated when he pours the water into the engine,
and the government agent judging the contest sees the amazing fuel
possibilities of Uncle Jesse's moonshine, but irks Uncle Jesse when he said
it needs to be studied in Washington for feasibility.
Roscoe and the federal agent (who is hot) chase Uncle Jesse's car until it
runs out of moonshine, and then the Dukes have these big shit eating grins
because they burned up the evidence!.I love it, I love it. The agent faints
when she sniffs Uncle Jesse's gas tank, and Bo picks her up, sure to drop
his hammer later that night.

Fun with words

2005-03-02T22:51:00.000-05:00

Facile:

Main Entry: fac·ile
Pronunciation: 'fa-s&l
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle French, from Latin facilis, from facere to do -- more at DO
1 a (1) : easily accomplished or attained (2) : SPECIOUS, SUPERFICIAL b : used or comprehended with ease c : readily manifested and often lacking sincerity or depth

Example A.

Example B.

Not facile:

Fassel:

2005-03-02T15:39:00.000-05:00

The Gates: last day